Lately I've noticed that I'm feeling burnt out. Part of it is due to the fact that I'm now around 220 lbs. and it's not because I'm a solid mass of muscle and energy either. I've vowed to myself to "fix" that (and hopefully get some pep back to my step), but part of the reason is my family. Now, I don't mean that in a negative way; it's just becoming more work to manage two kids. I honestly don't know how Liz handles two kids all day. Over the winter holidays I was getting a bit snippy at times. I admit, my patience levels aren't as high as Liz's are, so it's been good to get back to work. But once the kids are sleeping in bed (which is usually around 8 to 8:30), all I want to do is go to bed myself. I thought having one kids was hard - having 2 is that much harder (and I know those with 3 or more kids are wondering why I'm whining but those people are clinically insane anyway ;) ). I can work with Hayden a lot easier these days because he's talking in full sentences and I can reason with him (if he's not in one of his "mine!" or "no, no, no!" tirades). Ryan...I love him, but I've quickly forgotten that Hayden was at that same point 2 years ago where he only said a handful of words and really couldn't communicate, although it was just him and two parents so the stress wasn't as much. Plus, he's still not sleeping through the night, although it's pretty much down to once a night now (although when he does get up he fights going back to sleep but we're trying to nip that in the bud). He's also been pickier with his food consumption, although that's been getting a lot better over the last 2 weeks (having ear infections didn't help that either). We've finally eliminated his soy formula and he's transferred over to whole milk (whoo, hoo! that soy stuff is expensive!) He's also starting to stand up by himself and walk across the couch, so I predict in a month or so he'll be bashing into walls like Hayden did. I'm also predicting a lot more fights to ensure between the two with toys and whatnot.

The key that I have to remember over and over is this: focus. I can't just be a bum on the couch watching edited movies on TNT; I gotta get up and do something with the limited free time I have. I realize in a year or so things will be easier in some ways. Ryan will start talking more and I'll be able to communicate to him (I mean, I already do but not to the level that I can with Hayden). Hayden will be potty-trained (hopefully!). He'll start to go to a pre-school 2 times a day in the fall. I definitely want to enjoy the hear and now, but I also have to remember things will also change in the near future. Again, one of the key changes will be when Ryan finally sleeps through the night consistently. Hayden's been doing that for over a year now (he gets a nightmare now and then but he goes right back to sleep when we come to say "it's OK").

I'm kind of rambling, but I've been stressing a bit over the kid situations right now. I didn't grow up babysitting or being around infants and toddlers and a lot of times I feel lost. I just needed to write something to get it off my chest, which always helps clear my mind and see things better. Ever since college I've really tried to change my life perspective to be positive and honest at the same time because I used to be fairly negative at times (I can't stand being around people who always see the dark cloud within the silver lining).

I wouldn't change a thing, though. Having kids has been a tremendous change in my life, all for the better. It's challenging, that's for sure, but seeing them grow up is amazing. A couple of days ago Hayden was playing with his Lego Mac (the truck from the movie "Cars") and I heard him say, "See you later, carburetor!" (which is a line from one of his favorite shows, "Meteor and the Mighty Monster Trucks"). Show a star to Ryan, and he gets a big smile on his face and says, "Star! star!". When Hayden does something good, he does the thumbs-up with his hand and says, "Good job!" (reminds me of the Fonz).

Yep, I wouldn't trade this for anything.

* Posted at 01.04.2008 03:19:10 PM CST | Link *

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